I recently re-read To Kill a Mocking Bird by Harper Lee. I remember loving it when I was younger, and sometimes those books are worth visiting again.
I found quite a few things about this classic to ring true today. Some, to society in general, and some to me, specifically.
I assume most people have read the book. So, here come some spoilers, the central theme is that Black folks rarely get a fair shake when it comes to the law. Simply because of skin color, or money, or where you live in town, your life is not worth anything, you can be disposed of simply to make someone else look better. Sounds a bit like Ferguson. Today. Still today.
One of my habits is rambling. And my focus here is digestive health, health of the body, running, eating, all that. So, I'll leave racial tensions, murder and police brutality to those brave enough to take up those topics.
Atticus Finch tells his children: real courage [...] is when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.
My doctors are trying to help me, I believe they really are. But our medical system, despite being some of the most advanced in the world is flawed. A doctor is trained to look for a problem, and to fix it. Which is awesome. I'm glad I have access to colonoscopies and endoscopies and CT scans, and blood work (not that I enjoy them) but I really feel fortunate to have access to this stuff in a safe environment.
Before I even took the referral to my GI, I figured every single test would come back negative, all showing up as normal. The odds of a tumor or something like that in me are slim to none (again, something I'm very thankful for) but being sick, really sick, and having all medical tests show that you are fine, is frustrating, painful, even embarrassing. Like I'm making it all up, like it's not real. It feels very invalidating.
But, having diarrhea at least once a day for almost a year, feeling exhausted and having symptoms get worse instead of better forced my hand.
I have to start down this path of doctors and tests, and changing how I eat, and how I live, and how I move, and how I interact with my friends and family.
All signs tell me I'll never have the life I had, I don't expect to be back on top of my marathon game any time soon (grocery shopping is now an exhausting effort that takes the better part of my day). I don't expect going out to eat, or having dinner at a friends house will ever be the same. I fully expect that I'll get to a point where I'll be just humming along, and then, WHAM - sick again.
My health care team is working on diagnosing me, but in the mean time, with the support of a few friends, namely, Kelli H, I've removed gluten and dairy from my already meat free diet. I feel like Celiac Disease (not that I've been diagnosed with it) is one of those things where one is licked, even before beginning. So many things are out of your control. Gluten has a way of sneaking into places, even when you are extra careful. But you have to begin, and you have to see it through.
Removing gluten is indeed helping my stomach. I'm not "cured" but my stomach is inching towards better. I'm constantly exhausted. But, I've begun, I've started down the path of working with my doctors and trying to "cure" myself. There will be days that will feel like a loss, and days that feel like a win. But I've started, and I'll see it through.
I'll lean on my friends, my family, and my own inner strength. And a special shout out to Amanda C. We've been friends since... Well, it's been a while. And we've lost touch for more than a couple years. I'm so happy to have her support back in my life. I only hope I make her smile half as much as she makes me smile.
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